(historical note: Brothers originally appeared in Illiterate Magazine. Only the title and insertion of various numberings have changed)
8 Things I Learned While Watching: Brothers
1. The Plot: (according to IMDb) “A young man “comforts“ his older brother’s wife and children after he goes missing in Afghanistan.”
2. First things first (or 2nd). When I think of brothers, I think of my brother, James. (Hi James!)
2. And then I think about Legends Of The Fall, and Brad Pitt screaming “Samuel!” a lot and telling his older brother that he’s already let him run his mouth about this particular subject one time, “Just once!”, but if he says it again, so help him Bear God, they are no longer brothers.
4. Coming in at number 3 (or 4), I think of the movie Brothers, and how after viewing one tends to see both characters (played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Toby Maguire) point of view. They both really enjoy banging Natalie Portman. Not at the same time. They bang her separately.
5. But that’s ok. I mean, sure Toby is away at war and presumed dead when Jake sweeps in with a six pack of Coors Light and a VHS copy of Donnie Darko and the gee-ain’t-we-both-sad-tonight purpose of consoling Natalie, while at the same time maybe, just maybe, stumbling upon the answer to the riddle of whether she may or may not enjoy anal.
6. And maybe that’s not the most moral way to treat the grieving wife of your not-really-dead brother, but Brothers isn’t a movie about right vs. wrong. It doesn’t give a shit about holding a mirror up to society’s views on adultery or morality or the horrible inner struggles that everyday people have to go through while their loved ones are away fighting a bullshit war.
7. The point that Brothers is trying to make is this: Natalie Portman is hot. And you can’t blame the terrorists for that one. It’s not American or Anti-American. It’s simple math. Natalie + Porman = Hot. And everybody wants to have sex with her.
8. If you don’t believe me, well then you haven’t watched Brothers. Trust me. It’s the best movie you’ll see about banging Natalie Portman this year.
Multiverse Johnson 
Ok, on the multiple viewpoints thing…I’m not here to condone beer sluttery. Just because a guy shows up with a cheap six-pack of crappy beer and some tears, doesn’t mean you have to fuck him (anally or otherwise.) Even if he looks like Jake Gyllenhaal. Even if he IS Jake Gyllenhaal, maybe. Maybe. But this guy is also packing Donnie Darko? Well give us a break, huh? We’re only human. Even Natalie. And let’s face it, did we really believe that Natalie Portman was fucking Toby Maguire before Jake showed up? Naw. Not really.
(Did I mention I love this blog?)