What I’ll Most Likely Do Without You

tundji emily illiterate party

What I’ll Most Likely Do Without You
                           for Tundji

What I’ll most likely do without you:

allow random TV commercials to make me feel bad about myself
No, I answer
almost bursting into sobs
my counters are not Bounty Clean!
I’m so fucked up!

without you, I will

memorize every goddamned line of Caprica Season 1.5

cross streets without looking both ways

spend my birthdays eating macaroni and cheese
to an obsessive extent, just like Oprah
in the absence of your delicious homemade eggplant parmisian

build myself a big rodents nest out of bits
of paper mache’d Wolverine comics and old Burnt Toast reading fliers
set up a little bar for two in the corner
and drink twice as much
without you
No sir, you are mistaken
I’m not crying
That’s just you’re untouched Canadian Mist
in my eyes

without you, I will

resume having that one goddamn nightmare
the one where I’m having sex with a girl at a large mansion type party
and she shits when she has an orgasm
Shits all over everything

Evidently other people attending the party know all about this
they’re all smiling at me
because I just fucked the girl
who shits herself when she cums

without you, I will

construct elaborate conspiracy theories about clouds

wrap my balls tight with Smurf decorated shoe strings
and shove a bottle of red wine up my ass
while Sea takes a picture

no wait
that’s not what I’ll most likely do without you
that’s, I’ve seen that photo, what you’ll most likely
be doing without me

I’ll be spending most of my time without you
putting together a harsh death threat list
of everyone on the internet who’s already
blogging about Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit

Frodo’s going to be in it?!
How the fuck can Frodo be in it?!
He wasn’t in Tolkeins book!

So what! Go fuck yourself Hobbit bloggers! Fucking Frodo Fuckers!
Roast chicken?! It’s your Sam! Fuck that!
Eliah Wood is out of hooker money! That’s why Frodo’s going to be in the goddamn Hobbit!
Deal with it!
The fact that Frodo’s going to be in that movie isn’t what’s important

What’s important is the fact that Tundji’s no longer going to be in this one
I’m losing my Will Smith here!
Who the hell’s going to show up to see Men In Black 3
starring only an over medicated Tommy Lee Jones
in a Brett Michaels bandana?!

It’s just not the same!

It’s called Starsky and Hutch for a reason, people
Without the Starsky, the whole thing loses a bit of its meaning
I mean
Nobody’s going to admit that their favorite TV show
is simply called ‘Hutch’

History has already violently shown us that
there can be no Milli, without the Vanilli

what the fuck am I going to do without you?!

take a cab to the Bus Stop

write an opera about the Loch Ness Monster

watch the movie you left me
Fresh Huge Melons #6
many multiple times

start a secret cult in your honor
We’ll still have candles and all that shit
but instead of robes everyone will wear black hooded sweatshirts
and silver jewel bedazzled thongs

compose chants to the Old Gods
we shall worship The Folly
and when we’re done doing that
at the end of every worship meeting
everyone can de-thong and jump into the sacred hot tub
for what the Church calls
Folly of Love Orgy Time!

and the entire thing will be video taped
and released on the internet as
Fresh Huge Melons #7
because I’ve already invited the entire cast of
Fresh Huge Melons #6
to be in the cult

and with the money we make off this movie
I’m going to buy Puerto Rico!
and have it moved behind my apartment in Louisville

and that way we can still be together
we’ll put Puerto Rico where Erie used to be
nobody’s gonna fucking miss Erie!

that way even though you may still be gone
you’ll still be here, where everybody loves you
and I won’t have to miss you
like I’m always going to miss you

because you won’t be gone
you’ll still be home

(Historical Note: For a big chunk of years in the mid-late 2000’s I co-hosted a weekly poetry open mic with my friend, the mighty poet Olatundji Akpo-Sani. The last reading we hosted together before he left town to travel the world and get married and stuff, a bunch of us wrote ‘we’ll miss you Tundji poems for his so long party. This is the one I read for him, having resisted the many urges to polish it up and stuff, presented ass is, I mean as is, after having just watched another goddamn lousy McG movie (Kevin Costner deserves better), in the middle of the night…..)

tundji flyer jpeg

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