Treatment for Terminator Sequel Spec Script
It’s the future again. A couple hours after the human freedom fighters have sent Kyle Reese back into the past to prevent the assassination of John Conner’s mom/Sarah. The effects of their actions are felt immediately. John Conner still exists, which means Reese has succeeded in keeping Sarah alive, but something’s wrong. The John Conner that exists post sending Reese back to save his mom is no longer the brilliant leader who was on course to save humanity from the robot apocalypse, and eventually the freedom fighters from the future figure out why. Reese was supposed to keep Sarah Conner alive. That’s it. He wasn’t supposed to fuck her. But he did. He totally fucked her. And in this unauthorized fucking, he knocked her up, and in this knocking successfully cock blocked John’s real dad out of the picture, and because of this cocking humanity’s doomed.
It was sort of obvious, really. Reese couldn’t be the original father because it’s impossible to impregnate someone in the 1980’s unless you’ve been to the 1980’s. I don’t care how handsome the guy is.
So in this movie, the humans from the future figure out who John’s father was supposed to be and then, as in Terminator 2, they reprogram another Schwarzenegger and send him back into the past again, but instead of sending him back to hang out with Eddie Furlong they send him back to the first movie, with orders to make sure Reese keeps his dick away from Sarah Conners this time or at least find Real Dad and make sure he gets to her first.
It turns out John Conner’s real father is the bum in the alley from the first movie, the guy Kona has written about previously, the guy off whom Reese steals his very first pair of 1980’s hobo pants. But as it turns out the guy wasn’t really a hobo, the clue to his real identity being the black leggings he wore under his outside pants. He wasn’t a hobo, he was an extremely unwashed dance instructor (They’re everywhere in Boulder) He was just drinking too much that night outside the diner where Sarah worked, trying to get up the nerve to ask her out. But then Reese showed up and stole his pants and after that the future’s timeline went to hell because you can’t go into a diner and ask a girl out after you’re pants have been stolen and you’re already super drunk. I mean you can, but that sort of thing rarely ends well. After the pants theft Sarah and Reese went on their little ‘let’s stay alive’ adventure fleeing from the original Terminator, so the guy’d lost his shot with her. The past was changed forever. The future shat doom.
That means in this movie the new Arnold has a lot on his plate. Not only does he have to fend off a horny Kyle and the original Terminator who followed Reese back in the first movie, he’s got to clean up John Conner’s real dad and teach him the romantic dating skills that will now be necessary in order to steal Sarah away from a goddamn heartthrob like Kyle Reese.
It’s like Harlan Ellison’s Soldier meets Will Smith in Hitch.
In my movie the Terminator will walk into a Hallmark store with the same attitude he had when he walked into the gun shop the first time around and start barking out a list of necessary supplies: “An aquamarine greeting card that expresses emotional affection.” “That’s Italian.” The Clerk says before placing the card on the counter. “One medium sized stuffed Teddy Bear” The clerk asks if he’d like the bear in the yellow rain hat or the bear that’s holding the cookie. “The one with the cookie.” The Terminator responds before going on. “A twelve inch dildo with duel penetration pump action attachment and laser sighting.” “Hey, just what you see pal.” the clerk will say. The Terminator will look disappointed without changing his facial expression. “One coupon book for affordable breakfasts and a package of those mints which are designed to annihilate bad breath.”
In my movie the Terminator will say new catch phrases too, like:That tank top makes you look chubby. You’re out of margarine, and time. Walk away from the women’s vagina and nobody gets murdered tonight.
There will be chase scenes and embarrassing first date scenes, at some point the new Arnold will fight the old Arnold, and lots of other stuff that will make movie audiences extremely happy.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Act 3 the Terminator and Real Dad will bust into the motel room where Reese has just admitted to Sarah that in the future he fell in love with her picture and Sarah’s so touched by the whole goddamn thing that she’s ready to mount him. This scene will be filled with really great dialogue and dramatic tension before turning into big budget soft core porn. To sum up: Sarah does not agree to not fuck Reese, she’s pretty solid on the fact that that’s still going to happen, but due to the Terminator’s high tech negotiating skills Sarah agrees to his proposition that they engage in a foursome. This way at least there would be a chance for Real Dad’s sperm to get up in there and beat Reese’s sperm to the punch. The original proposal involved a threesome, with the Arnold robot staying out of things. “My dick is not necessary.” he explains. But Reese has already managed to cum twice before Arnold shouts ‘Go!’ and Real Dad gets nervous so in order to save the future of Humanity Arnold is forced to jump in there and show Real Dad how it’s done.
When it’s over nobody knows if the mission was successful or who the father will be, but at least Real Dad had a shot this time. Has the future truly been saved? Only time and the inevitable sequel can tell.
My movie ends like the original movie ends, with Sarah sitting in the Jeep south of the American border. The little Mexican kid runs up and takes a picture and then tries to sell it to her for 5 bucks. Sarah buys the photo, but instead of the photo being of her like it was in the 1980’s movie the photo is of the little Mexican kid. Instead of taking a picture of Sarah he’s taken a selfie of himself, because that’s the only kind of picture kids know how to take these days.
The side effect of this being that this photo is the picture that Kyle carries around with him in the future which means Reese’s future has been accidentally altered.Ergo: Kyle Reese never falls in love with Sarah Conner because the picture that caused him to fall in love’s no longer a picture of her. He falls for the little Mexican kid instead.
(written for the Rob Bomb F Bomb Reading)
Multiverse Johnson 