While Watching: Knock Knock

keanu grave


While Watching: Knock Knock


Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Not Keanu Reeves bangs!

Why’s that?




Because Keanu opened the door like a dumbass and let

a couple of wet girls into his house when his wife and kids

weren’t home and they repaid his kindness of extra bathrobes

and towels by tying him to his collection of crappy Kiss albums

and cutting all his bangs off

while Keanu just sat there acting like he was acting

and screaming stuff like “My bangs! Oh no! Not my bangs!”



but they bangs’d him anyway

while their bras seduced a lone sock in the drier

they bangs’d the 3D printed shit out of him


and as if that wasn’t

I don’t know



these ladies played a bunch of other mean pranks on him

like: they cooked a sloppy breakfast and drew dicks on his asshole

and they pretended to be underage after he’d overage banged them

and forced him to listen to his own record collection

until he screamed “Stop you crazy cunts

you’re permanently damaging my eardrums!”



Historical Note: Keanu Reaves screams ‘AHH!’ in this movie

like most people yawn while watching

a Keanu Reaves movie


He’s 51 in real life

and 43 in Knock Knock

and won’t stop going on about the fact

that he used to be a DJ when he was in his 20’s


which means he spun a lot of Foghat albums

at a couple of house parties in 1988

“Please don’t stab me in my surgery scar again!”

the crowds screamed at the nonsense

which was everything, because everything’s made

out of nonsense


So you almost went on tour once?

‘Monster’ fuck that

Love doesn’t give a shit about ‘almost’

What was your fucking stage name back then Keanu?

DJ Surgery Scar?

DJ Bang(s)Me

DJ Don’tWannaGoDeafYouSexyFucks?


Hard saying


in Knock Knock Keanu Reeves is playing with Love

so there’s no fucking way he was meant to win because

with Love, the bowl cut is almost-exclusively inevitable


She played their music real loud

until they weren’t playing anymore

and then there was just silence and busted ceramics


and then Love went deaf without her

and her thongs

which were probably dry by now


“I want to go #1 in your butt.” Keanu’s sock

said to the two bras but the bras didn’t have butts

and socks can’t pee




and around this time these chicks

were through with him

the rice had fixed their Iphones

and none of Keanu’s friends

liked him on Facebook


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s