my penis is like a penis


my penis is like a penis


my penis is like a penis

it does everyday stuff

it goes to work

and comes home

it watches Netflix movies

and falls asleep on the couch

reading The Body Snatchers and Salinger

and all that


but when it was with you

my penis wasn’t like a penis

its status was elevated to something related

to a beloved pop culture icon

as if, when we were together

my penis starred on a hit TV show with your vagina

in which my penis’s ego was constantly accentuated

and it had grown accustomed to the applause


but after you left it was like your vagina took over the TV show

and you recast my dick

and now almost nobody’s interested in its autograph anymore


I mean there’s still interest maybe, but it’s nothing like the old days


with you I think my dick was a instant classic

like Laurence Olivia doing just a little bit of cocaine


Grief!, you greedy bastard…………………


on the up side, my penis

can watch old episodes of The Incredible Hulk now

whenever it wants

(historical note: her vagina wasn’t into The Incredible Hulk)


even though it should be in there cleaning the dishes

because I’m out of clean dishes

and the car’s overdue for an oil change again

and shit, my penis hasn’t even seen Deadpool yet

because it’s so hard

to go outside


Hell, my dick

really needs to pull its stuff together

unless it wants to spend the rest of its life

alone eating off paper plates and riding the bus


until all of a sudden another 25 years has gone by

and it finds itself gumming cream corn

in an Old Dicks Home

waiting to get Alzheimers


so it can forget about all those

James Garner scenes in The Notebook

because my penis doesn’t relate to James Garner


my penis feels more like Ryan Gossling

swinging from the top of the ferris wheel

trying to impress a girl


I mean, it’s not too late too change things


my wiener’s already got the ferris wheel locked down

and the swinging

the only thing it’s missing these days


is the girl

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