Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me


Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me

(translation of poem by Mayakovsky, as if miss-translated by Donald Trump)


They said Munich

and I heard it as McDonalds

and then somehow it turns out to be both?

Give me a break

They sound like my second wife now

How is anything my fault? Exactly

The only thing my words radicalize

is your female sex parts

which in turn succeeds to radicalize

my sex parts


and by my sex parts, let’s be clear here

we’re talking about

my penis

which is spectacular

trust me

I don’t know what they’re complaining about

so what if they read stuff

I’m great in the sack


The entire media’s just expedited their own periods again

but I’m not going to let something like ISIS or the tragedy of others

forget to water my luxurious golf course


bring me down


because I am important

which means we are important


my books have saved more animals from drowning

than any book ever published, second only to the Bible

and we’ve got reservations

me and you

later this evening

in the very exclusive restaurant

of my pants


table for two by the fireplace

and by fireplace I mean your womanly longings

and by two

I mean my nuts


because you’re special

I mean that

because we are in love


if orgasms were umbrellas

then trust me, you’re gonna need one

because it’s gonna be raining in Cleveland

after we finish our non-metaphorical dinner

of some absolutely gorgeously subjective steaks


We’re going to eat

and then I’m going to say seven or eight

extremely clever things in the elevator

and then as soon as we get back to my room

I’m going to Google myself to make sure

Putin still likes me, and then I swear to

every dollar I’ve ever made while doing business

with China


I’m going to make your vagina great again


If your mouth is the media’s insistence

that Hispanics don’t like me

then my penis is a really great Taco Bowl

like they make at Trump Towers


I’m just saying

when you put the two of these things together

we’ve got a great photo opportunity

I can tell you


orgasms will be arm wrestling love tonight

in this room, believe me


Vote for my penis

and I promise

everyone wins

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