The legend of the Yeti who went out on a fishing boat

in an attempt to win back the love of the woman

it had been verbally critical of in the past but who

it had found itself missing after she’d gone

 

is not a very well known legend

actually, it’s not much of a legend at all

it’s more of an ephemeral tale

that this one dude who hangs out

in the parking lot of the Broomfield Del Taco

 

likes to scream at people as they enter

the gas station/restaurant to purchase

their Macho Burritos and tacos with extra stuff in them

(currently known as the ‘The’ Del Taco)

 

nobody really listens to him

his audience being for the most part un-captivated

and in various stages of hunger

 

so the details are fucking shaky

but the way the parking lot dude tells it

there once lived a Yeti who’s ass was so hairy

that it made its ears look smooth like un-kissed glass

which is apparently saying something

because according to an ancient porta-potty painting of the beast

that was uncovered almost 15 years after the 1990’s

its ears were super hairy too

 

the porta-potty painting depicted a Yeti

who was more hairy in certain areas than others

standing on a boat

trying really hard to come off as seriously articulate

and emotionally broken

 

in its hands it held a long fish

pressed parsimoniously to its chest

for some goddamn reason

 

the dude at Del Taco

couldn’t remember why

but he knew why the Yeti was out there

 

the Yeti had gone boating

because it missed the girl who it had never deserved

and also it was a little bit nuts most of the time

and liked to think of itself as a more pretentious version

of Kevin Costner

Why would someone do that?

I asked the dude at the Del Taco

but the dude at the Del Taco said

he couldn’t remember

 

he’d smoked a whole lot of weed four days ago

and then every hour or two for every hour or two

after that until right now

 

and so what?! I mean, who hasn’t?

What’s any of this have to do with a goddamn

Yeti who thinks he’s Message In A Bottle era Kevin Costner

standing on a goddamn boat holding a dead fish

while pondering love?!

 

Ha! That’s not the right question!

The point is, Kevin Costner, he was like

great in Waterworld!

I mean, I don’t know

 

The Yeti thinks its emotionally attractive

because it feels the same pains as Message In A Bottle version

Kevin Costner

 

when in reality, who gives a fuck?!

the Yeti holding a fish on his penis-less boat

isn’t the story that we should be focusing on

 

we should be focusing on the story of the woman

he never deserved in the first place

 

fuck that dead fish toting Yeti

and the porta-potty its legend rode in on

 

because the legend of the Yeti

is bullshit

the legend of her, on the other hand

and : cliffhanger! sexy boogers!

 

her legend and sexy boogers

(and also the fact that we do our best

to not let Trump become president)

might save us

all