Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me,
by Multiverse Johnson
They say Donald Trump
is a fear mongering triceratops
with the I.Q. of a constipated lawn dart
which if true would solve the mystery
around whether or not dinosaurs
and lawn darts
can coexist
They say he once sued his own penis
for defamation of character
His penis counter-sued for nonconsensual cupping
The whole thing was eventually just thrown the hell
out of court and, until this exact goddamn moment,
was never spoken of again
They say Trump eats his unpaid debts
with a fork shaped like his own ass
an atonally staggered, deeply cracked
three pronged looking ass and that the gaps in his understanding
of foreign policy would kill Evel Knievel all over again
if he tried to jump over them on a dare-devil-ly reinforced
type of bike
They say that Donald Trump is so racist
he makes this guy in Walmart who was
saying some really horrible things about
Venezuelans look like this other guy in Target
who was saying something slightly offensive
but still sorta funny about this one lady who was
waiting in line at the miniature Starbucks and just happened
to look like Cagney and Lacey’s mom
What am I, looking for dirt?
You think I wanna know these things about this guy?
I want to play No Man’s Sky and quote Herzog
I want to spend time with my kids
But what am I supposed to do?
They tell me stuff
People tell me stuff
People tell me this all the time
They come up to me and they say, Mr. Johnson,
are you Multiverse Johnson? and I’m always like
yes child, how can I help? And then they lay into it, like
did you know Donald Trump was originally cast
to play the heroin enema Ewan McGregor
jams up his ass in Trainspotting
before shitting it out along with half of Scotland?
in the end he lost the part to Scott Baio
who apparently just nailed it from the get-go
without even reading the script
p.s.
I’ve heard Trump’s penis is so small
it makes his hands look like 2 Dobermans pinchers
fighting over a cornflake
p.p.s
This isn’t just me making things up here
this is just me applying Trumps own method
of fact checking against him, repeating
what people could say theoretically as facts
so,
you know
it’s probably true
(historical note: Multiverse Johnson used to write brochures for The Burnt Toast readings sponsored by Illiterate Magazine and Baobob Tree Press. In 2009 he put down his brochure writing pen and disappeared into the jungles of Louisville and was never heard from again. Until now.)
Multiverse Johnson 