My Donald In Your Putin



My Donald In Your Putin


Mayakovsky poem as-if mistranslated from the Russian

by a love-struck Donald Trump


What can I say

You’re a strong man

And when a strong man says

Nice things to me

It’s only reasonable to say

Nice things to the strong man

Back, I mean just look at you!


I can tell you

After one glance at you

If bears wore shirts

They would stop wearing shirts

And start walking around topless

Like I suppose they already do

With their great bear nipples exposed


And maybe if somebody had a camera

They’d get their pictures taken while riding a horse

Or something like that

Because as far as my management style goes:


Bear. Can. Ride. Horse


Believe me,

Those shirtless bears

Would vote shirtless

Because they love it


And also

So they could pretend

To be like you


Because I will say this, sir

You: are spectacular

And I’m not just quoting my own mirror again

I’m being honest here


I find you so impressive

I would have my current wife deported

For 5 minutes alone with you

In my pool room


(Historic note: the pool room contained neither

Swimming pool nor pool table, only a pool shaped sink

That had been placed where sinks are generally placed

In the bathroom and utilized for the purpose of mutual

Shoulder scratching and other pre-insertion endured rituals

In the tower of President Trump),




Are those your real arms or did

My tax returns grow fingers

And insist on touching you

Until this audit is over?


I mean: Wow!


For another 10 minutes with you

After the 5 minutes that we’ll have already


Those 5 minutes during which I’d do stuff to you

I’d have my second wife castrated

Inter-regardless of the fact that when I was doing her

You can believe me because I’m waiving my finger

While typing this down for you,

When I was doing her……………..

When I was doing her,

She didn’t have nuts


But, for you

I would have actual balls surgically attached to

Her general area and then I’d have them

Dramatically removed as if she’d owned those

Things for her entire life

And was so sad to see them go


So sad


It’s horrible, what these Democrats do to people

Such things shouldn’t happen

Am I right here? What a shame


My point being I would do this for you,

Even though she’s a very nice person, my middle wife, and

This thing, the castration,

I find the whole thing unsettling

It would emotionally effect me

For a few nights, no

Let’s be honestly here

I only want to be honest with you

So let’s call it damn near half the week

And still


I’d do that for you

Despite the fact that you never asked me too

And after it’s done

I might not feel exactly like myself for

Almost a week


But that’s ok, I mean

A week’s not all that bad

For a man of my age and enormous

Hand size so you’d be smart to pour us

Another shot of vodka

Because we’re both incredibly popular

And I’ve still got another ex-wife

To sacrifice to the Big And Tall Glove Store

Of our late fall Olivia Newton John Travolta

Macramé’d love


I, [insert my name here along with your penis]

Pledge allegiance to the fact that

For the honor of placing my Trump

In your Putin

For the up to/yet not exceeding the duration it takes

For our enemies to watch

An entire episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm

I would have my first wife murdered


Flat out

Stop talking about it

She’s gone


My Donald in your Putin

Are we doin’ this or ain’t we?

Check the yes box for yes

And let’s not dwell on the rest


My Trump in your Putin


After which we listen to Another Day In Paradise

Instead of smoking cigarettes


And we read the paper

Mostly the brightly colored advertisements

And pretty quick I become outraged because


What is this malnourished cardboard expecting here?!


They’re gonna give me an extra 15% off if I buy

the goddamn thing in the store? Fuck that, etc.


I don’t go to Bed Bath and Beyond!

Bed Bath and Beyond comes to me!

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