Mountain Dew: Dew.S.A.



Part 1

I left the house today because I needed pajama shorts, tortilla chips, and a box of purple hair dye. While I was at the store I found a discount rack t-shirt for $2 with a picture of two sentient sausages hugging on it. They were smiling and had arms and legs and happy sausage mouths. They looked like they were in love, so I bought that too.

While walking towards the robot assimilated check out booths I was almost feeling pretty good about stuff for a change. Those sausages had given me optimism. Sausages are pretty gross when you stop to think about it. Sausages are blatant tubes of meat. Just like a human being. Human beings are tube shaped meat too, but a human being’s meaty-ness is a little more subtle.  There are differences. When you meet somebody new you generally don’t want to put a bunch of mustard on them and when you meet a new sausage your first instinct isn’t ‘I wonder if it wants to go to the movies with me.’. You don’t feel like asking it out on a date.

Right? These things are different, and also similar. (Shit, now I want to put mustard on you) Point being: If sausages can find love, then maybe there’s hope for all the rest of us. Maybe I’ll find love again too.

So I was almost feeling pretty good and then I stumbled past a new soda display and all that recently found optimism hit the ground and splashed out. A new flavor had been unleashed into the world, like liquid rabies or a brand new sex disease that makes your dick hurt. The kind of flavor marketed towards modern day fact-haters. A flavor designed for the gullible electorate who say things like “He’s a business man! We need somebody who’s gonna run this country like a business man!” and who defend the Confederate Flag like it was a 4 minute old puppy. The sort of flavor that knows all the words to Kid Rock songs. The kind of flavor specifically engineered for people who think science is for jerks.

And just like that, I was in a bad mood again. Sausage love is just a dream. Fuck. The modern world is made up of last straws. Soulless corporations run everything. That war has been lost. We’re living in occupied territory. “John Doe has the upper hand now!”.  Why do I care what the everyday collaborators are drinking? If they want to drink their Freedom Juice and pretend the grass is still green, so be it. “Hi Ho”, as Vonnegut used to say. I abandoned the brand new soda display, paid the robot for my shit, and drove super-fast back to the house.


Part 2

Mountain Dew S A is the perfect drink for the new Trump era. Take a big sip. You can taste America dying in your mouth.

It’s literally 3 flavors in one! The Human Centipede of modern beverages! The recipe is basically this:

Step 1 Bloat an already bloated Donald Trump full of  high-fructose corn syrup, brominated vegetable oil, and generic flame retardant. Simmer while the crooked bastard tweets for 20 minutes.

Step 2: Trump shits in Sean Spicer’s mouth, throw in a bunch of cinnamon, and then get Spicer to shit in Kellyanne Conway’s mouth. Conway shits in a test tube shaped like a medium sized bucket. Replicate the results on a massive scale, carbonate the hell out of it, bottle, and serve.

Fun Fact: If you run out of gas because you were busy denying climate change and forgot to swing by the local Gulp and Go, just drink a couple of MTN Dew S.A.s, wait 5 minutes, and then piss in the gas tank of your bullshit monster truck. MTN Dew S.A double-jobs it as automotive fuel.

Fun Fact 2: If you drink 4 bottles of Mountain Dew S A in a row your urine will smell like your insides have diverged themselves of empathetic freedoms and basic human rights. Your toilet will hold it against you.

Coming Soon: Diet Pledge of Allegiance and Jazzberry Bible Dew.

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