Die Hard And A Baby


Die Hard And A Baby


The night woke up

with its pants still on,



and an axe wound

the size of Nebraska

hacked into the side of an un-expecting

pre-Planet of the Apes-ending Statue Of Liberty


which the perpetual murderer

had, in a moment of cheap whisky and cinema

mistaken for the side of night’s face


So, the Statue of Liberty’s fucked

but the night’s going to be fine

without us

after all the chaos is finished

with all its winning

and we’re gone


if there’s always going to be anything

there will always be night

it manages

like a drunk metronome

to go on


Us humans,

not so much


This world is landscaped in violence,

with bully shaped shrubbery,

the view’s just fucking beautiful

if you’re a Trump zombie or an oligarch


the rest of us

are so fucking doomed right now

hope is a compatible pair of footwear, and


the human race

is a lost boot full of

fuck up


floating around out wherever we are,

something pretending to be space,

spinning around an enormous sun

(fuck, since we’re talking about the sun


I spun by 7-ll on my way to work this morning

to pick up a copy of The New York Times

and the woman behind the counter stopped to look

at the front page while she was ringing it up


She saw a picture of the world burning

thousands of trees on fire

She’d had no idea anything was wrong


“It’s been happening for a while” I said


“Why don’t they just put out the fires?”

she asked me, and I said that they’re trying,

but it’s complicated


and then she said:

“You know, when I hear about stuff like this,

when things are burning, I don’t get worried


I say, it’s just the sun falling down,

that’s why things are burning,

and if the sun falls down and the fires

can’t be put out, that’s just god’s power

and that’s how it’s supposed to be”


and she’s all the way convinced

and ok with this

with having been trained

to be manipulated

and easily controlled/ and/thus defeated


and, shit (insert line here that meticulously describes

the heartbreak and what I’m trying to say

about all of this: now)

at that point I felt hopeless

and perpetually ornery

at the same time


because it was too goddamn early

in the morning to be confronted by this fucked

Trump-fake-fact/deep state church going

denial of science and climate change bullshit



I just wanted a paper

and a Big Gulp


and to not feel horrible

about everything

for at least a good 45 seconds in a row


and here she’d gone

and fucked it all up


“The sun doesn’t fall down!” I’m not trying

to ruin her day, the words just fall out of me

“There’s no ‘down’ in space. And that’s not even

the….” and at this point I catch myself, because

what am I doing?


You’re never going to convince a zombie

that it’s a bad thing, eating human flesh

because it makes them feel good


and they’ve already been programmed

by death and Fox News

into believing that there’s nothing wrong

with it, people eating people

that’s just the fuck-what

people do


The Trump presidency

has intentionally legitimized cannibalism

and the very worst instincts of the human race


the consequences including

all of the goddamn bullies

and white supremacists/Nazi fan boys,


they tiki torch around in their broad

sun-falling-down daylight

flaunting their delicate ignorance and bigotry

confident in the fact that the President

of America has their backs


and fuck the goddamn concrete

or whatever anything is

because they’re right


Trump does have their backs

along with all the blood they spill

on his hands


Blood all over

his pompous little

pussy grabbing hands


the same hands he uses to shake

with the mass murdering dictators

and wipes all over his thick, chicken

McNugget eating face


“Nobody should every complain, ever.”

said the guy standing in line in front of me

at the liquor store I spun into on my way home

from work, later that night



I should stop standing in line for things

or stay away from cash registers

or give up on going out in public

at all


All In The Insanity

Too Close For Madness

Magmun P. Stains


These are the new tv sitcom/drama

re-boots of the future


We’re doomed, with both ‘o’s


When aliens swing by, eventually

and find whatever it is that’s been left

between ashes


They’re gonna be like,

What the hell’s this place supposed to be?

It smells like a boot filled with fuck up

Where did all this fuck up come from?

What happened to the other boot?


and the other alien’s going to say something like

I don’t know,


Stop talking to me


So, the first alien will keep talking

while the alien who doesn’t want to be talked to

sits on a dead fire hydrant


trying to read an unproduced screenplay,

a failed attempt to reboot two stalled franchises

Die Hard and Three Men And A Baby,

at the same time


For the reboot:


Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck

have all been replaced by Bruce Willis


and the baby is now being played

by a life sized

double thumb twittered

Donald Trump


The screenplay was difficult to read,

what with the Nokatomi building

becomes all of a sudden sentient and falls in love

with the tough-yet-vulnerable parking garage

that lives across the street subplot


and 75 percent of the pages soaked

in puddle’d blood and the aftermath

smelling of fuck up and feet


“Is it any good?” the first alien asks,

after he randomly assumes that the other alien

had just finished reading the screenplay


“I don’t know.” the alien who’d just finished

reading the screenplay said

“The baby in this thing, is intolerable.”


“Surely such a creature could never exist.”

Alien First said, because he’s a dumbass


“The Bruce Willis character, as written

was enjoyable.” the non-dumbass alien said.

“I liked when he said funny things, like


Pass me the ‘Who gives a fuck’, and

What kind of a baby are you?!

and Ya, I might’ve fucking shit myself,

but you’re dead


Also, though I found most of it annoying

because it was difficult to read,

I liked the whole love story,

between the stupid/misunderstood building

and the beautiful parking garage that lived


across the street

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