Fuck List
In the new Predator movie
Arnold reprises his role as Dutch
ex-special ops commando
He’s an old man at this point
many decades away from the 1980’s
sitting in the middle of his trailer park living room
(because time has been tough on us all)
He’s watching old reruns of Celebrity Bowling
on digital antenna TV and meticulously applying mud
to his own penis
A ritual he repeats
every 2 or 3 hours
Because he’s caution like that
and he’s heard gossip that after all these years
the Predators are still after him
and from personal experience he knows
Beneath mud
Is the only place
To hide
From the goddamn beasts
That insist on stalking us all
So give me some mud, goddamn it!
Because we’re all being stalked by something
Give it all to me, all of it
Give me all the mud
and I swear to fuck that I’ll share!
(Insert Coldplay falsetto here
a.k.a., but I digress)
When we last left Dutch,
he was rubbing mud on his dick
because the Predators were coming
Why is he only rubbing mud on his penis?
Maybe you’re asking yourself
Why isn’t he rubbing it all over himself
like he did in the first movie?
The answer is simple
Because in the first movie, Trump wasn’t president
and at this point in the new movie, Trump’s trade war
has inflated the price of everything
to the point that even mud is really expensive
Dutch can’t afford to hide his entire body in mud
so he rubs it on what he can afford to rub it on
Taking what comfort there is to be taken in such things
That when the Predators come knocking
at least they won’t find his penis
Speaking of not finding his penis
Since the theme of tonight’s Fbomb reading is ‘gossip’
I was hanging out at a museum a few months ago
with a woman. This woman is funny and she’s beautiful
and smart and all that stuff and she was in the middle
of ending a relationship with this Yeti of a human being
she’ d been dating
She told me this story about how she was alone in his bedroom
and next to the bed there was a table with a little drawer in it
so she opened the drawer and inside she found the following items:
1 cock ring
A large wad of cash
1 bottle of fancy lube
Several condoms
And a piece of paper that was titled
Fuck List
The guy had a fuck list
I’d never heard of this before
What’s a fuck list, I asked, sounding in retrospect
like a naïve dumbass
It was a list that he kept, of all the women
he’d ever slept with
Much like his penis, the list wasn’t very long
My friend said her name was on it, and maybe 4 or 5 others
People with names like:
Blonde waitress,
Joanie, and
Feliz from Craig’s List
Feliz from Craig’s List?!
Who keeps track of something like this?!
It seemed bizarre and incalculable
and I immediately became obsessed
with the mere name of it all
Fuck List
Does everybody have a fuck list?
Or just self centered Yeti’s
who treat human beings like
porta-potty receptacles?
instead of ruler of the goddamn galaxy
as she most certainly deserves to be
I don’t have a fuck list
I told my friend, and if I did
the only things that would be on it these days
would be sad drawings of cobwebs
and the opening notes to a Beethoven Sonata
or my right hand
and my right hand
and my right hand
Fuck List!
It’s a terrible thing
But it’s also really fun to say
And also once you know what it is
it’s almost impossible to stop yourself
from digging down deep into the pre-cum of the sub-conscious
and tossing together a mental Fuck List in your head
Back in my younger days, between heartbreaks
I could’ve put a pretty weird list together
what with all the bars I used to hang out in
and living right next to Naropa
Girl who T.A’d for Allen Ginsberg
Girl who had recently interviewed Lawrence Ferlingetti
Girl who may or may not have been Jewel
Anyway,
The Predators never found
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dick
They just eviscerated the rest of him
And the jackass Yeti
who had his own fuck list?
I don’t know,
fuck him
written for last night’s FBomb reading, Denver CO
Multiverse Johnson 