The Six Million Dollar Man’s Bulge (2018)
dedicated to The Bionic Woman, The Six Million Dollar Man and Vladimir Mayakovsky
today I saw the whole world bleeding real jobs
and
today I saw a giraffe penis
fully staffed
I saw both things
for the first time
side by side
thumb-wrestling
………infinity
sweating wet serum
cracking safes
in dried blood
today,
more people were killed by wheelbarrows
then killed by Madonna
but that’s only because
wheelbarrows never sleep
and Madonna didn’t get out of bed
until noon
eyebrow to eyebrow
we are the generation
that walks around with
black eyes
while pretending
like champs
that we dodged
the punch
the only things that scares us more
than eating shit pies at 12:30
is the goddamn thought
of skipping lunch
we are an eyebrow
stalked by an eyebrow
we are the facial hair
in denial of the face
pudding
it’s a goddamn crazy
invention
like getting stuck in
a traffic jam caused
by a baseball game
or breathing
or love
Our sky is a pair of 1970’s underpants
And the sun has been replaced by
The Six Million Dollar Man’s bulge
red jumpsuits
combined with the fact
that we’ve all just crawled
out of tequila
can cause our collected junk
to look like Bigfoot
it can cause our collected junk
to perform feats of pure bravery
which are ignored by the general public
because these feats are blurry
and performed while hidden
deep inside your woods
and just because these feats
may not get a pat on the back
from whoever the fuck’s been
put in charge of back patting these days
that doesn’t mean they’re not feats
cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, Darling!
they’re still feats!
feats which leave footprints!
noble footprints of love!
there’ve been plenty of songs
written about this
(see: Chris Martin’s ‘Gwyneth left me’ album)
buildings have been built
to such things
(see: the Empire State)
rings exchanged
(see: Gollum or Samora)
monuments erected
(see: Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers)
but that doesn’t change
the fact that that one night
while we slept,
your face
against mine
the fascists were un-quietly taking over again
while their goddamn corporations
casually at work
assimilated everything shaped
like a building
buying up
all the monuments like they were
the goddamn sky
purchasing clouds
threatening all the stations with arterial violence
in order to ensure that none of the great love songs
get played on the radio anymore
maybe money can’t buy happiness
but it sure as fuck can buy
red jumpsuits
& yr own sound effects
it sure as fuck can buy governments
and erase science
it sure as fuck can turn the world
into an empty drink cart
and any hope we have
of treading tequila
into wet booze-tread-gulping
sharks
the odds are a closed taco store
that only random mood rings
make it to shore
but as long as we’re here,
do you want to talk about The Bionic Woman
with me?
because I want to talk about The Bionic Woman
with you
There’s that episode, with Bigfoot
or the one where she’s teaching 6th grade
and one of her students brings an un-caged lion
to class for show and tell
or the one where she uses her bionic powers
to make hamburgers real fast
or those classic Six Million Dollar Man crossovers
where they fall in love, and then Jaime Sommers loses
her memory, and Steve Austen has to stand around
watching as she falls for her new doctor because everything’s broken
and she can’t remember that time they went skydiving
or rode slow motion horses together
or made sweet bionic love in a big collar’d 1970’s pad
The breaking point comes when the doctors tell Steve Austin
that it would be dangerous if The Bionic Woman remembered everything
because the process of remembering would drive her insane
and then one day while talking to Steve Austin she starts to remember!
and her head breaks like a horribly timed commercial interruption
as she screams at the bottom of a thunderstorm
and The Six Million Dollar Man realizes that he’s the source
of her impending madness, that his just being around her
is the cause for the dangerous return of her memories
so he yells at Oscar until they reassign him
some place far away from everything he’ll ever live for,
sacrificing their true love for her mental health and wellbeing,
and after that happens, The Bionic Woman’s headaches
quickly subside, she dumps the doctor she’s been fooling
around with and gets her own tv show
the same show that I’d like to talk about with you
because the world is a maniacal projector
behind which our hearts break at 60 frames per second
and my bunker’s not fool proof
there’s no refuge in home theater
In here, even the simple things
like trying to cook a Red Barron pizza
without you is like watching
the car crash that killed Camus
updated and expanded for last months FBomb reading
Multiverse Johnson 