(more) Things I Learned While Watching: Outlander


(more) Things I Learned While Watching: Outlander




Lucky thing for Jamie

they didn’t have voicemail

in the times of Outlander

1700’s Scotland


During those days when

Claire traveled from the future again

in order to return to the great big love of her

lives-in-the-past time traveling life


and then for whatever reason

after she gets there

decides to spend vast chunks

of their brand new reunion


being mad at him

for things he did

or didn’t do


passive-aggressively scolding him with her eyes

whenever they romantically happen

to be in the same bare chested room


while I sat there

on the other side of the screen



Lucky thing for Jamie

they didn’t have voicemail

back then, that something like that

hadn’t been invented yet


if it had been

and they’d had cell phones

with as irrationally irritated with him

as Claire seems to be


Jamie would’ve had to have stood through

mountains of highland roaming fees

listening to 27 miserable-y disgruntled

voice messages per day from Claire





I know damn well now you didn’t die

in the battle of Culloden,

so why aren’t you picking up your phone

when you know damn well I’m ringing you?!


I can’t believe you stabbed him in the dick!

We discussed this!

If he dies my first husband

who I’ve already left for you

will never be born to feel bad about it!


The future demands that he exists

in order to for-a-really-long-time

feel bad about it?


How am I supposed to leave Frank

in the future for you

if he never gets fucking born?!


Piss on your own amber,

you can be so selfish sometimes!

Ring me back when you get this,


and don’t forget to pick up the turnips again

You’re always forgetting to bring home

the goddamn turnips


with Jamie standing there

beside a barn filled with barn hay

and a heart abandoned by modern day straws


with a goddamn cell phone

in one hand

and a couple of turnips

in the other



or whatever


I guess that’s why

I don’t play softball


One thought on “(more) Things I Learned While Watching: Outlander”

  1. So nice to read your work when not in the US! But did you know the bottom of your email looks like this? I took a screen shot so will attach. I haven’t watched but I think you should watch it and let it be your next poem. I have no idea what his honest message to America is…Miss you!

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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