(more) Things I Learned While Watching: Outlander

 

(more) Things I Learned While Watching: Outlander

 

Voicemail

 

Lucky thing for Jamie

they didn’t have voicemail

in the times of Outlander

1700’s Scotland

 

During those days when

Claire traveled from the future again

in order to return to the great big love of her

lives-in-the-past time traveling life

 

and then for whatever reason

after she gets there

decides to spend vast chunks

of their brand new reunion

 

being mad at him

for things he did

or didn’t do

 

passive-aggressively scolding him with her eyes

whenever they romantically happen

to be in the same bare chested room

 

while I sat there

on the other side of the screen

thinking:

 

Lucky thing for Jamie

they didn’t have voicemail

back then, that something like that

hadn’t been invented yet

 

if it had been

and they’d had cell phones

with as irrationally irritated with him

as Claire seems to be

 

Jamie would’ve had to have stood through

mountains of highland roaming fees

listening to 27 miserable-y disgruntled

voice messages per day from Claire

 

going:

 

Jamie!

I know damn well now you didn’t die

in the battle of Culloden,

so why aren’t you picking up your phone

when you know damn well I’m ringing you?!

 

I can’t believe you stabbed him in the dick!

We discussed this!

If he dies my first husband

who I’ve already left for you

will never be born to feel bad about it!

 

The future demands that he exists

in order to for-a-really-long-time

feel bad about it?

 

How am I supposed to leave Frank

in the future for you

if he never gets fucking born?!

 

Piss on your own amber,

you can be so selfish sometimes!

Ring me back when you get this,

 

and don’t forget to pick up the turnips again

You’re always forgetting to bring home

the goddamn turnips

 

with Jamie standing there

beside a barn filled with barn hay

and a heart abandoned by modern day straws

 

with a goddamn cell phone

in one hand

and a couple of turnips

in the other

 

ouch,

or whatever

 

I guess that’s why

I don’t play softball

anymore