Future Nicolas Cage Straight To Redbox Movie Titles
Pursued Past Reason
The Mandolin Experiment
The Devil’s Trust Fund
Two Graves For Mr. Spits
Abandoned Past Reason
Left Behind 2: Electric Boogaloo
His Daughter’s Best Friend
Whores (pronounced Horse)
Illiterate Luck
Border Sauce (bio pic of the guy who invented Taco Bell)
When Harold Met Sandy
9 Millimeter
Never Always Say Goodbye
She didn’t believe in guacamole
Until she fell in love with an avocado
And I’m still old enough to remember a time
When Nicolas Cage only starred in one movie
Not necessarily every year
And the movies he starred in were produced
By legitimate movie studios
With real life budgets
Big budget blockbusters, or
The kind of movies that won Oscars
And had indy cred
I’m still old enough to remember a time
When running for public office as an openly racist pedophile
Was considered a deal breaker as far as electability goes
And Nicolas Cage made movies
Like a reasonably paced human being
And that these movies he made
They played in actual theaters
Theaters that sold popcorn
And giant soda drinks
The kind of theaters where if you went there
With the right person and at an unpopular screening time
So there weren’t a lot of other people in attendance
You might also find yourself getting half way laid
Those days are gone now
And what we’re left with is this world
In which Roy Moore’s gonna give it another shot
At running for the Senate seat in Alabama
And a new Nicolas Cage movie
Manages to pop up at the Red Box
Almost every other goddamn day
Where Even Trees Leave
Leaving Las Vegas 2
The Gynecologist’s Double
When love shit the futon, what’s left of the Earth
Turned into a toilet
An environment in which Politics embraces its inner dope fiend
And Nicolas Cage films thrive
Ice Road Truckers: The Movie
Night Sweats University
City Of Angles
Like a brand new conspiracy theorist
I’ve been isolating myself in my own bunker
Where I’ve discovered a disturbing pattern
Connecting the fate of the world
With this accelerated rate of Nicolas Cage movies
That’ve been thrusting themselves into existence
These days
The more movies that are made starring Nicolas Cage
In a specific year,
The shittier everything gets
Don’t believe me?
Example:
In 2003, perhaps the year in which I was at my happiest
Cage only starred in one movie
Matchstick Men (and it was pretty damn good)
During the 2015/2016 political season that delivered us
A President Donald J. Trump, where myself among others
Found themselves unbreakably miserable and broke down
Nicolas Cage starred in 7 films
From Pay The Ghost to Army Of One
He was in all of them, as the masses screamed
Shit like Honey, where’d my red hat go?!
And ‘Build The Wall’
I don’t want to believe there’s a connection
But it seems the math here speaks for itself
The more movies Nicolas Cage releases in one year
The faster the Earth finds itself plummeting towards hell
And if IMBD is in anyway accurate
The 2020 elections are doomed already
Because Chaos has been busy and there’s
Already 4 Nicolas Cage movies waiting
In the pipeline, scratching at the front door
Like a litterbox, waiting to be unleashed
Into this world
So,
Kiss your significant other
On the genitals
And hang onto something
The Anti-Natalist Babysitter
Hammered Before Noon
Ouch
Because in the future
Which was 3 days ago
Adaptation may still be a masterpiece
But Wally’s Wonderland
Has got its sweaty finger on the big button
And Adaptation is so goddamn far away
We’ve lost
Multiverse Johnson 