Future Nicolas Cage Straight To Redbox Movie Titles


Future Nicolas Cage Straight To Redbox Movie Titles


Pursued Past Reason

The Mandolin Experiment

The Devil’s Trust Fund

Two Graves For Mr. Spits

Abandoned Past Reason

Left Behind 2: Electric Boogaloo

His Daughter’s Best Friend

Whores (pronounced Horse)

Illiterate Luck

Border Sauce (bio pic of the guy who invented Taco Bell)

When Harold Met Sandy

9 Millimeter

Never Always Say Goodbye


She didn’t believe in guacamole 

Until she fell in love with an avocado


And I’m still old enough to remember a time

When Nicolas Cage only starred in one movie

    Not necessarily every year

And the movies he starred in were produced

By legitimate movie studios

With real life budgets

Big budget blockbusters, or

The kind of movies that won Oscars

And had indy cred


I’m still old enough to remember a time

When running for public office as an openly racist pedophile

Was considered a deal breaker as far as electability goes

And Nicolas Cage made movies

Like a reasonably paced human being


And that these movies he made

They played in actual theaters


Theaters that sold popcorn

And giant soda drinks


The kind of theaters where if you went there

With the right person and at an unpopular screening time

So there weren’t a lot of other people in attendance

You might also find yourself getting half way laid


Those days are gone now


And what we’re left with is this world

In which Roy Moore’s gonna give it another shot

At running for the Senate seat in Alabama

And a new Nicolas Cage movie 

Manages to pop up at the Red Box

Almost every other goddamn day


Where Even Trees Leave

Leaving Las Vegas 2

The Gynecologist’s Double


When love shit the futon, what’s left of the Earth

Turned into a toilet

An environment in which Politics embraces its inner dope fiend 

And Nicolas Cage films thrive


Ice Road Truckers: The Movie

Night Sweats University

City Of Angles


Like a brand new conspiracy theorist 

I’ve been isolating myself in my own bunker

Where I’ve discovered a disturbing pattern

Connecting the fate of the world 

With this accelerated rate of Nicolas Cage movies

That’ve been thrusting themselves into existence

These days


The more movies that are made starring Nicolas Cage

In a specific year,

The shittier everything gets


Don’t believe me?




In 2003, perhaps the year in which I was at my happiest

Cage only starred in one movie

Matchstick Men (and it was pretty damn good)


During the 2015/2016 political season that delivered us

A President Donald J. Trump, where myself among others

Found themselves unbreakably miserable and broke down

Nicolas Cage starred in 7 films

From Pay The Ghost to Army Of One


He was in all of them, as the masses screamed

Shit like Honey, where’d my red hat go?!

And ‘Build The Wall’


I don’t want to believe there’s a connection

But it seems the math here speaks for itself

The more movies Nicolas Cage releases in one year

The faster the Earth finds itself plummeting towards hell


And if IMBD is in anyway accurate

The 2020 elections are doomed already

Because Chaos has been busy and there’s

Already 4 Nicolas Cage movies waiting

In the pipeline, scratching at the front door 

Like a litterbox, waiting to be unleashed 

Into this world




Kiss your significant other

On the genitals 

And hang onto something


The Anti-Natalist Babysitter

Hammered Before Noon



Because in the future

Which was 3 days ago

Adaptation may still be a masterpiece


But Wally’s Wonderland 

Has got its sweaty finger on the big button

And Adaptation is so goddamn far away


We’ve lost

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