The Filthy Pizza Cutter

The Filthy Pizza Cutter


It's always filthy
no matter how hard I wash it
While putting it away, I exhale and almost relaxed breath
     convinced that it's clean this time,
     that I did the job right
but then the next time comes, and when I pull it out
     it stands there with its spin-y face mocking me,
          still filthy, the only way of life it's ever known

Two Weeks Later:

The Fudge woke up tired and feeling like fudge, so it decided to try religion
     Buddhism was too soft
     Scientology was too Kirsty Alley
     Mormonism was..........just right

So Fudge left its bunker the next morning, got baptized, purchased
a bumper sticker that said 'My Other Car Is A Latter Day Saint', 
and changed its name to Mormon Fudge

     "Well, whatdoya think?" Mormon Fudge asked its best friend, 
Pineapple Upside Down Cake.
     "You look delicious." Pineapple said, before returning to its text book, 
looking for a way to end misery.
     "Maybe I'm allergic to being upside down," Pineapple Upside Down Cake 
mumbled to itself, "or maybe it's the pineapple....

Two Weeks After That:

     "Mormon Fudge?"
     A couple of authoritatively dressed Beat Cops were standing in the doorway,
twirling rosaries like Sean Connery in The Untouchables.
     "Yeah, that's me." Mormon Fudge said, wiping a bit of nut-sleep out of 
the corner of its eye.
     "We're gonna need you to come with me." one of the Beat Cops said.
     "And me." said the other one.
     "Somebody killed a bottle of Hennessy at Tiny Allan's Place around the corner.
A bag of Tater Tots said you were there."
     "Tater Tots?" Mormon Fudge said, "They come in bags. What do they know?
I didn't do it."
     "Why should we believe you?"
     "I'm Mormon now, we don't drink. Also, I'm a piece of fudge."
     "It checks out, Chief." the other Beat Cop said, after thumbing a bunch of numbers
into his goddamn phone.

Two Weeks After That:

     The Tiny Allan's Place killer was found lambing it up in a backyard Air B-N-B
owned by the Baptists Against Backsplashing Club.
     So, who killed the bottle? Human Beings alive in the audience tonight, please
put your hands together for America's favorite serial killer,
     The Chili Cook-Off did it

Full-Fat Milk is presently on probation 
for loaning Chili Cook-Off the money
to pay for the backyard hotel

Two Weeks After That:

Mormon Fudge found itself awake in the middle of the night again,
existentially terrified, worried like hell that the Mormonism wasn't working
     for it anymore

     "What am I?"
     "You're a combination of sugars, both powdered and granulated, corn syrup,
baking chocolate, and full-fat milk", Mormon Fudge's second best friend, 
The Pizza Cutter said.
     "That's horrifying! How am I supposed to walk around knowing that everything
I'm made of's completely chewable?! I was made to be chewed?!"
     "It's weird, I get it. The beardy guy I live with tends to obsess over stuff like that too."
     "What kind of design is this?! Why can't I be made out of bulletproof batter 
and immortality?! What happens when I don't wanna be eaten, and the teeth show up
anyway?! I should've never got out of the pan this morning."
     "I've gotta get back in the drawer."
     Mormon Fudge pulled out of its nosedive just in time to say goodbye
to Pizza Cutter. Pizza Cutter was filthy.
     "Your face-wheel's covered with French Onion dip." Mormon Fudge said.
     Pizza Cutter had been slicing into the Dean's dip pretty hard, all night.
     "Yeah, it does that. I like dip."
     "You want a sponge or something?"
     "Na. I like sneaking back inside the drawer like this. It drives my roommate nuts."

Two Weeks Later:

Goddamn pizza cutter. It's filthy again
despite the fact that I haven't cut a pizza in months

Had a dream last night that Disney World was arm-wrestling 
The Animals for the entire fate of the world

Mickey Mouse vs. The House Of The Rising Sun

Nobody walks away a winner from something like that
Round ears mangled by the box shaped mortgage of dawn

Nobody walks away a winner from something like that
Nobody except Mormon Fudge

written for last week's FBomb at the Mercury Cafe, Denver CO


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