4 Years Without Nickel
January 8, 2021
It's not February again, yet
So it hasn't been 4 years ago, technically
I'm writing this year's 'without you' poem early
Because I'm missing you this morning
And I wrote last year's 'without you' poem
in February, 2020
And we all know what happened after Feb 2020
(I'm sorry Nickel, you're dead now
so you don't know)
March arrived looking as if it'd
Just rolled out of bed, still drinking
Carefully, so as not to scare the goddamn bat,
which was still sleeping
Tiptoed into the kitchen
Made a 32 oz Pina Colada
Turned on the TV
Watched half an episode of Mad About You
And during a commercial, flipped over to the news
Where a brand new plague was announcing its plans
For a multi-year worldwide tour
Nickel,
This plague has assembled one hell of a backing band
Heavy Breathing's got all the bass lines down
The American Government's Incompetent Response
playing rhythm guitar, but you can call him
TAGIR for short
DJ Hospitals on keyboards, performing at maximum capacity
An overabundance of maskless
Conspiracy theory nuts dressed in matching
Walmart camo insisting that it's their goddamn
Right as ignorant Americans to be backup singers
If they want to be backup singers
Trump, hopping around the stage like a young
Steven Tyler in his mins, in charge
Of lead vocals
Ms. Information and Mr. Social Media
Tag-teaming duties on lead guitar
Death plays the drums
Nickel,
It's been a horrible album
Each track overplaying its own atrocities
They called the damn thing 2020
And just when we reached the point where
We could maybe start conning
Ourselves into believing that it could soon be over
With the last notes of December's
Guts officially screamed out
Like an old David Coverdale sitting behind
A big desk laughing like somebody else's
Great Grandma hocking the same goddamn
Whitesnake songs
The Plague goes on Twitter to announce
Its decided to release a brand new album
A collection of the same shitty old songs
Remixed and remastered again
And they're calling this album: 2021
Nickel,
Until this afternoon, I'd totally forgot
That Bill Murray was in Tootsie
Dustin Hoffman movies tend to slip one's mind
When a brainwashed mob has recently pulled up
Their coup pants and smashed their way
Into the Capital
Nickel,
I wish you were still around
To wait out this goddamn plague with me
You were adorable, a true anti-fascist
With your gentle nose bites
And reverse Hitler mustache
We could pass the plague hours
Batting around the bread ties
And making up our own fan fiction
Battle Stories in which The Assholes never win
Because I'm tired, Nickel
Of watching the assholes almost all of the time win
The Six Million Dollar Man vs. Covid!
The Bionic Woman vs. The Proud Boys!
The Planet of the Apes
vs. Charlton Heston's Savage-ly Exposed Nipples!
Nicolas Cage's Ghostrider
vs. Another Longly Night With My Own Dick!
Batman and Robin takes down
The Court of Mitch McConnell's Jowls!
Mohammad Ali beats the shit out of Donald Trump Jr.
To the smooth sounds of The Miami Sound Machine!
Ivanka splashes an uncontrollable period
All over Jared's Fancy Flakes
During an otherwise unremarkable breakfast!
The Period gets to be the hero in that one!
The Question Mark gets jealous!
The Exclamation Point gets drunk
On yesterday's gin!
The Kool-Aid Man busts through
Trump's plans to complete his wall
While sucking on an ice cube
He's pulled off the top of his head
The Kool-Aid Lady becomes the new Thor!
Natalie Portman gets her own postage stamp!
Boba Fett tosses Rudy Giuliani's hard boiled ass
Into the Sarlacc Pit!
Mulder and Scully solve
The Mystery of the Election That Wasn't Rigged!
The Least Insane won
Multiverse Johnson 