This morning I woke up tater’d beyond recognition humming ‘Like A Tot’ to the tune of Bob Seger
Like a Tot I was lagoon'd inside a maze Like a tot lost without mayonnaise
mmmmm, mm Like a Tot
but “What’s ‘Tators’, Precious?” Gollum asked that once while climbing the mountain of that one Led Zeppelin album with a couple of Hobbits
and the answer should be candid like Allen Funt’s underwear drawer or a selfie-stick without a camera
Alone, a potato is nothing like a one-sided crush or trying to kiss yourself on the cheek in a blizzard that won’t get off its phone but when you tot it up it becomes Romeo and Juliet meets Debbie Does Dallas It becomes the last half of almost every Bob Seger song
The part where everything the potato’s been singing about for the entire life of its song has inevitably taken its toll and its voice amplifies as it consumes itself with all that extra gravel it grew up in and the potato can’t help it anymore
because it’s no longer a potato, it’s evolved like a heart broken kaiju a bearded Godzilla in vintage dungarees It’s a tater tot now, and the tater tot understands how this world works and because of this it finds it impossible to finish any song without screaming
and that’s why Tater Tots are the Chevrolets of the Top 40 Vegetable world
and as long as we’re on the topic of potatoes and Top 40:
When I was 19 I joined the band Alexis I didn’t even have to audition because I was like tater tots I already had a reputation
It was like joining Ozzy Osbourne's band if Ozzy was a married couple who went to high school with my parents and owned a potato farm
Rehearsals took place of that farm The potatoes were everywhere It was like performing to a crowd of unrealized potential because the potatoes hadn’t been totted yet
Between songs you could hear them worrying beneath the dirt because they knew the truth,
Things don’t always work out the way a potato would want them to Not all of them would achieve their tater tot potential
Our set lists in Alexis were like that too Not every song I had to play in that band was a tater tot, a noticeable chunk of them came off like something else
Taylor Dayne’s I’ll Be Your Shelter sounded boiled Most nights Joplin’s Piece Of My Heart got baked Mellencamp’s Pink Houses were mashed Poison’s Unskinny Bop (I still don’t like that song) turned out french fried our version of Billy Idol’s Mony Mony was crinkle cut but Whitesnake’s Judgement Day, fuck now that was tater tot
Love is a tater tot humming that one James Blunt song while that song hums a different James Blunt song
but don’t listen to that tot Your James Blunt song is my favorite James Blunt song
Tater Tot Day is the reason the groundhog comes out of its ground hole
It’s hoping its shadow made tater tots If it did, well hello there Spring If it didn’t, 6 more weeks of potato-less winter
The Tater Tot has better things on its mind It doesn’t give a shit about protracted sweater weather versus non-protracted sweaters
The Tater Tot rarely leave it’s bunker but when it does, there’s almost always a good goddamn reason
The Tater Tot left its bunker today without bothering to look down What the Tater Tot saw was darker than shadows
The Tater Tot saw that Carl Weathers died Damn it, I hope they bury him with both arms Don’t leave behind the one that the Predator managed to lop off before the ending
The choppa will never be the same without him RIP Champ
Your days of worrying about 6 more weeks of this or that are over
Kiss oblivion on the crotch for us because Time is an overachiever
and we’ll all be crotch kissing something irregardless of made up things
Multiverse Johnson 