Birthday 44: Electric Booga-lore
This morning I woke up on the couch hung over
and thought Huh, so this is 44
and after that I thought
I wonder if my dick still works?
so I jerked off
and then, because I’m always on a giant monsters kick again
I read ½ a Kaiju story
but I didn’t like it
the story was told from the Kaiju’s perspective
and he was given a vain overly sexualized male persona
that bragged a bunch about how virile it was
and reveled in the aboriginal nobility
of how much it liked to fuck: stuff
and I was offended, actually
because in the Kaiju monster genre
the Kaiju is more than a monster
it’s THE monster
the Kaiju is supposed to represent
a metaphor
for the societal fears of a particular time
in the finite history
of this everything ends
nut sack dragging
Hollywood needs me
ball-gagged earth
it’s not supposed to be some dumb
mash up of Donald Trump’s ego
sewn to the outer asshole
of a super high Charlie Sheen
(historical note: the younger version of myself was pretty sure
that by the time it hit 44 it would no longer be referencing
Charlie Sheen in his writings)
(historical note pt 2: even though he’s great in The Arrival, and Young Guns 1,
as in “I could’ve killed ya, Dick.” Billy the Kid said that.
Not Charlie Sheen. Emilio Estevez played Billy the Kid
Charlie Sheen played Dick)
but back to Kaiju
The story displeased me
I was like
this is bullshit
and put the book down
and thought more about metaphors
and then for the second time
thusfar
I wondered if my dick still worked
and jerked off again
then I went into the basement to do laundry
because everything’s dirty right now
and it’s not like I haven’t been doing anything
I’ve been going to work
and hanging out with my amazing and grown up daughters
and watching one hundred movies
and writing a lot about everything
but writing doesn’t keep your clothes clean
it does the opposite, actually
everything I’d recently worn
smelled repulsive
and I knew I had to leave the house tonight
and outside is repulsive enough
it doesn’t need my dirty shirt out there
adding to the mix
so I went down to do laundry!
but couldn’t deal with the pile
so I washed 1 shirt and 2 socks
and thought: “That’ll do pig.”—James Cromwell
That’ll do
and then I
looked at what I’d planned
on reading tonight but it was too long
everything I’ve been writing is long
which got me thinking about my dick working
correctly again
and I thought about jerking off
but I put in Synecdoche, New York
instead
Quote: “Harold Pinter’s dead. No wait,
he won the Nobel Prize” End Quote
and I get so goddamned devastated
like I always get goddamned devastated
when I watch this movie
so when it’s over I get drunk
at 1:11 p.m.
before the 7:30 reading
I’m drinking
Princess Lea save me!
I get drunk
so realizing that I will eventually
have to be somewhere
I put in Planet of the Apes
in a cinematic attempt to sober up
but everything’s too late
I’m already having flashbacks
of Walmart
and hitting on a girl once at a camp site
when I was 12
my pickup line being
I swallowed a bug, once
and I think about maybe if I just took a shower
but then I put on some Right Guard
instead
because I’m 44 now
and showering is for the young
I watched Planet of the Apes
drank cheap beer (it must be my birthday
I almost never drink beer)`
until Jonny and Shayna showed up
and then we headed to Denver
we were in the car
and then we were outside
and then we were here
in this place
and this happened
(written for last night’s FBomb at The Mercury Café, Denver CO)
Multiverse Johnson 